How to Set Boundaries Without Being Controlling in Love?

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“I have told her countless times how her behavior makes me uncomfortable, but she seems never to listen or change. But I also don’t want to be controlling her actions.”

Boundaries are meant to be communicated clearly as an equal and honest exchange where both voices should be heard and their preferences considered. This way, established rules come off as a form of safety and protection, not control. If the goal is a healthy relationship that prioritizes peace of mind, it’s essential to set boundaries without being controlling.

The thin line between the two should be checked and adhered to.

What Does It Mean to Set Boundaries in a Relationship?

While established to be essential, boundaries are gradually (though unconsciously) becoming off-limits in relationships. For one, people are hesitating setting them to avoid coming off as selfish. As boundaries are banked on personal comfort, which has a 50/50 chance of aligning with someone else’s, they can be easily mistaken as someone taking the other’s autonomy in life, suffocating them about what they should or shouldn’t do.

This is why it’s important to not only choose the right partner but also learn how to communicate and set boundaries without being controlling in relationships. Also, it’s best to discuss this type of agreement early in the relationship, before a long-term commitment is made because waiting until after a long-term commitment is made is not nearly as easy. But of course, if you’re already in a long-term relationship, boundaries also need to be clarified.

Understanding Healthy Boundaries in Love

When communicated healthily, boundaries are clearly meant not to control others. Instead, these control how others’ behaviors can influence the relationship. It’s all about establishing what one will or won’t tolerate—a guideline for how one wishes to be treated and valued.

“When a man and woman marry, they need to change the type of friendships they keep with the opposite sex out of respect for the marriage.” – The Golf Pro Has Heart, P36

These are the words that left author John A. Gehrisch’s mouth during a conversation he had with his close friend, TC. The man was struggling with his marriage as his ex-wife had, on several occasions disrespected his comfort level, he confided to John A. Gehrisch while asking him for advice.

Surely, there are no easy or proper steps to rebuild life after divorce. But if he were to share wisdom with those struggling in their relationships, his sentiments would revolve around practicing 18 traits detailed in his book The Golf Pro Has Heart.

Inspired by his parents and other unique couples’ half-century of fulfilling and happy marriage, remaining madly in love and best friends throughout, John A. Gehrisch has written his book to help couples. He studied these couples and discovered what made them stronger despite the years. In addition to the 18 common traits mentioned in his book, he discovered, establishing and adhering to set boundaries without being controlling shows respect and love for the opposite mate.

However, before discussing how to set boundaries without being controlling, it’s firstly important to differentiate healthy boundaries vs. controlling someone.

The Fine Line Between Boundaries and Control

A photo of a man talking to a woman | Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash

Sharing one’s boundaries can be challenging.

It leaves one asking, “Am I setting a boundary or being controlling?” The only way to answer this is by asking yourself, “How did you communicate about it with your partner and are these boundaries something I am willing to and should adhere to also?”

Healthy boundaries are achieved through a process of give and take—one shares what makes them uncomfortable, and the other wholeheartedly understands where they’re coming from. They act like invisible lines built on autonomy and mutual respect.

Hence, to set boundaries without being controlling, people don’t impose their preferences on others. This means they shouldn’t come with threats if disrespected. Instead, it’s on people to decide their next course of action when their boundaries are crossed. They should only leave enough room to accept those who respect them and leave those who don’t. It’s that simple. 

How to Set Boundaries Without Being Controlling?

From the many stories author John A. Gehrisch shared in his book The Golf Pro Has Heart, boundaries are many times challenged. This comes as a surprise to most people who assume it will never happen. Especially since it should’ve been unmistakable how important it is to not only set boundaries without being controlling but also honor and respect each other’s preferences in a relationship.

But to help those who are struggling, here are some steps to follow:

Start with Self-Awareness

The primary way to set boundaries without being controlling in relationships is to identify one’s needs and non-negotiables. Partners should take time to identify and separate their needs, limits, and values, keeping in mind what is fair for one is fair for both.

How do you want to be loved?

What makes you feel disrespected?

These questions should be understood and laid out to assist the process of setting healthy boundaries. They will help people identify what they genuinely want in relationships. By understanding their preferences more, they will have a clearer image of their boundaries.

Communicate Preferences Honestly

There’s no better way to effectively set boundaries without being controlling than by being open and honest about them. People should feel comfortable sharing their preferences clearly without holding back any information for fear of offending others. This allows them to truly feel respected and not hold resentment against their partners.

Being open and forthright and honest should always be the policy, even in relationships.

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