Photo by Timur Weber
People say that love is a choice, not a feeling. One can’t say they’re in love with someone unless they’ve seen their flaws and met their imperfections and still chose to be with them.
Love is the best feeling in the world. It’s exciting and breathtaking, but it won’t always be euphoric. Once the bliss settles and differences arise, misunderstandings and possible arguments happen. But this doesn’t mean that love is easily gone. Instead, couples need to learn how to have healthy fights in relationships and ride the wave, not crash with it.
Fighting Isn’t the Problem—Unhealthy Fighting Is
Fights are distressing. Think of them as wounds that, when left untreated properly, leave marks and scars that don’t go away in relationships. But are they truly the problem?
According to a study by Wilkinson & Finkbeiner, 56% of divorces happen because couples argue too much. However, there is also a pretty popular adage that goes, “Couples who fight a lot are more in love.”
So, which is which?
Everyone wishes not to fight with people they love. This is why they pay attention. They get to know their partners thoroughly, familiarize their likes and dislikes, and identify what irks them and how to calm them down. However, as John A. Gehrisch once said, “It’s preferable if you can avoid it (anger) in the first place, but sometimes personalities won’t allow it.”
No matter how compatible people are, there will always come a time when a disagreement arises.
Even twins—people who are biologically almost the same person—argue, so it’s never guaranteed that couples won’t. Hence, the secret to saving a marriage during tough times isn’t necessarily to remove arguments. Instead, it’s learning about the best way to deal with them. It’s for couples to master what healthy fights in relationships are and find the rhythm that works for them when it comes to conflict resolution.
What is the Difference Between Unhealthy and Healthy Fights in Relationships?
When couples hit a rough patch in their relationships, some would easily crumble in the belief that fights aren’t normal—but they are. However, it should be noted that starting fights (doing questionable things) is a world different from a fight naturally happening. The former isn’t acceptable.
Is it normal to fight in a healthy relationship?
Yes, it can be.
However, in a relationship, two types of fights usually exist.
In his relationship book, author John A. Gehrisch establishes a solid way to prevent relationships from collapsing: through healthy fights in relationships. In fact, the perfect way to practice this, he states, is for couples to refrain from “fighting” and instead “discuss” things calmly.
“The difference between fighting/arguing and discussing is, usually, when you fight/argue, you do not listen to your partner. In other words, you only listen to yourself talking and think about the next point you want to make to support your point of view. Therefore, you don’t truly even consider your partner’s point of view or needs, as you would in a discussion.”
– John A. Gehrisch, The Golf Pro Has Heart
This meaningful ideology is among the things he learned from his parents and other unique couples he studied in writing his book. He chose these couples because they’re the epitome of fulfilling and happy marriages, having lasted for 50 years while still remaining madly in love and best friends.
These couples had obviously hit rough patches throughout their marriages. However, learning what healthy fights in relationships are has saved them from separation.
So, the multi-million question is, how does one distinguish healthy from unhealthy?
Signs of an Unhealthy Fight—When Conflict Becomes Harmful
The red flags in unhealthy arguments are pretty glaring. It stares right into people’s eyes while striking their hearts—okay, enough of the dramatization.
Here are some key questions to ask and see if the fight is teetering towards unhealthy grounds:
- Are you using hurtful words or attacking the person, not the action?
- Are you name-calling to express your anger?
- Are you fighting passive-aggressively or deliberately ignoring your partner?
- Are you blaming instead of arriving at a resolution?
- And ultimately, are there physical attacks or violence involved?
The biggest warning sign that points to how unhealthy arguments are isn’t necessarily the frequency. Instead, it’s always in the “how.”
Remember, fighting isn’t necessarily bad. It’s how people fight that makes it one.
Healthy Fights in Relationships—Conflicts into Connection
The best indicator of healthy fights in relationships isn’t the intimacy that comes afterward. Instead, it’s what couples do during and what they’ll learn once it has passed. Healthy fights in relationships don’t only come with resolutions. They also come with a better understanding of the relationship and knowledge of how to better deal with each other.
Remember, conflicts happen not because the relationship is doomed to begin with. Instead, they exist because something needs to be and can be fixed.
Here are some ground rules to ensure fights remain healthy in relationships:
Use “I” Statements
The best way to stay healthy is to focus on what’s causing the conflict and understand the other person’s perspective, not attack the other person. To do this, couples should learn to express their feelings without blaming their partners.
This means expressing how the situation made them feel. This makes the discussion more productive because it doesn’t spark defensiveness or make statements appear like blaming.
“I don’t feel important to you when you don’t answer my texts.” v.s. “You always ignore my texts and don’t text back.”
Which sounds a lot better? The former gives the other enough room to explain and defend their intentions rather than pointing fingers and making it seem like they’re attacking the other person.
Listen to Understand, Not to Respond
It is not uncommon, as a relationship evolves for two people who have different upbringings to see things differently at times. Rarely would they share the same exact sentiments. This is why listening to understand is significant in healthy fights or disagreements in relationships.
Couples shouldn’t just say what’s on their minds to make a point. Instead, they should consider seeing the situation from the other’s perspective before sharing their insights.
Finding a resolution will be tough when someone doesn’t feel their side is being considered. Not only is it invalidating, but it also would devalue them. Healthy fights in relationships always include open-mindedness and active listening. These two should always go together.
Fight for Love the Right Way
At their very core, healthy fights can become healthy disagreements in relationships, allowing a meaningful discussion and arriving at an acceptable resolution for both by not proving that one is right and the other is wrong. It’s always important for couples to see each other eye-to-eye, which means meeting where they’re both seen and heard.
“If anger is not dealt with, it will act like a battery acid that eats away at metal. It will eat away at the couple’s relationship and eventually destroy it.” – John A. Gehrisch.
If you don’t want that happening to your relationship or marriage, listen to the advice from couples who have lasted for more than 50 years in fulfilling and happy relationships. Read about their experiences and advice in The Golf Pro Has Heart by John A. Gehrisch. Grab a copy of this book today!
